


You Make Loving Fun

by moonythewolf523



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Blangst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-21 09:12:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17639936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonythewolf523/pseuds/moonythewolf523
Summary: Blaine doesn’t want to love. He also doesn’t want to live.Set after 4x04Trigger warning read the tags please stay safe. <3





	1. He is the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> man, this is my first fic on ao3 so it’ll probably suck. it’s also my first klaine fic lmao.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blaine’s just depressing, guys.

He isn’t sure when it happened, but one day, Blaine woke up and realized he didn’t want to live anymore. 

Living was exhausting. There’s nothing fun about it. Everything good just left. 

But he wasn’t going to kill himself. No matter how many times he thought about it, he wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t. He’s too much of a coward anyways. 

So he killed himself slowly. His wrists would sting and his eyes were dead, but he would be alright. He had to be alright. Because maybe there’s a chance that Kurt could forgive him. There’s still a chance, a sliver of hope. 

——

That hope was crushed when Blaine found out about Adam. Because that meant Kurt was really moving on. Blaine would bet that Kurt doesn’t even think about him anymore. Kurt’s in New York with his amazing new apartment, and his amazing new Vogue internship, and his amazing new boyfriend. Blaine wasn’t amazing or new. As a matter of fact, Blaine was quite the opposite. 

After that, Blaine gave up. He scared himself sometimes. Thinking about how he would kill himself and what his suicide note would say. He’d have to write two. One especially for Kurt. His true love at least deserved something that mattered. 

But Blaine knew, deep down, that he wouldn’t do it. So he kept to the cuts and the distractions. 

——

And he wasn’t sure when it happened, but one day, Blaine woke up and realized he didn’t want to love anymore. 

Loving hurt too much. Blaine’s a hopeless romantic, he always will be. But loving wasn’t fun anymore. it used to fill his heart so much that he would ache in a wonderful way. But now he ached in a bad way. A way that he didn’t know how to handle. 

Kurt’s in him and around him. Everything he sees, every song he listens to, every restaurant and movie. They all keep reminding him of Kurt. Especially glee club. 

All the members act like he’s a monster. The new kids didn’t know Kurt, but they’re on his side anyways. He has Sam and Tina. Everyone else hates him. Maybe he should just quit. Why not? Sounds like a good idea to Blaine. 

——

He tried. Sam stopped him. The death glares from other glee members finally stopped, but the hatred didn’t. Blaine knew that they only wanted him for his voice. At least they wanted him. 

Sam started seeing the sadness in Blaine’s eyes. Blaine brushes it off, but it wasn’t enough for Sam. 

“You refused the leading role in the musical! That’s huge!! I know you’re not over Kurt but you’ve gotta let yourself be happy,” Sam would say. But Sam was wrong. After what he did to Kurt, Blaine didn’t deserve to be happy. 

“It just wasn’t my type of roll,” Blaine brushed it off. 

——

That brings us to present day. The glee club about to compete for sectionals, and Blaine feels his phone start buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out and his mouth goes dry. Blaine walks to a quiet area while he answers his phone. 

“Hello?”


	2. Tell Me Why Everything Turned Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s graphic self harm in this chapter so please be careful.

Blaine’s hands were shaking the entire time during that phone call. He started crying at one point, too, because Kurt wanted to see him during Christmas. 

That sliver of hope was back. He could get Kurt to forgive him. He had too. 

But even with that sliver of hope, his wrists begged for attention. So Blaine gave it to them. 

Blaine was still depressed. Blaine felt like he was always going to be depressed. A boyfriend –even if it’s Kurt– wasn’t going to change that. 

——

Burt called Blaine over to the garage one day. Reluctantly, Blaine went. Blaine was expecting him to yell. But Burt didn’t.

“Hey, Blaine, how’re you?” Burt asked kindly. 

“I’m okay,” Blaine replied. He always seemed to be doing ‘okay.’

“Listen, kid, I know you hurt my son, but I also know you’re hurt. If Kurt wants to forgive you, I will too.” Burt looked up from what he was doing and continued, “I’ve got an idea...”

——

Blaine couldn’t sleep that night. He was too excited. He hasn’t seen Kurt in weeks. He was going to see Kurt his true love. Blaine thought he sounded too cheesy when he called Kurt his true love, but it was true. 

But Blaine started thinking about how dependent he is on Kurt. And Kurt didn’t need him at all. And after Kurt was gone, Blaine became dependent on something else. His blade. 

Just thinking about it made Blaine want to cut. So he did. The stinging was forgiving, unlike Kurt. The blood was beautiful, unlike Blaine. 

But after Blaine was done, he just thought, “Why did I do that?”

Kurt is forgiving. He wants to see Blaine during Christmas! Of course he’s forgiving. 

So that night, Blaine fell asleep with an ache in his chest. In his heart. In him. And Blaine kept thinking, “Loving isn’t fun.”


	3. He Broke Down and Let Me In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like the title for this is is very accurate. also, this story isn’t completely following the storyline.

The plane ride wasn’t very.. good. Blaine spent the entire time worrying and wishing he could jump out of the plane and have incredible peace. But Blaine didn’t jump out of the plane, and soon, the plane landed. 

Burt took care of his bag and told Blaine where to go. A skating rink. Skating was fun, right? He could do skating. 

——

“Package for Kurt Hummel!” he yelled. Kurt turned around and Blaine just realized how much he misses Kurt. Well, Blaine already knew he missed Kurt. But his heart felt like a brick as soon as Kurt turned around. 

“Blaine!” Kurt yelled back at him. Kurt also smiled. Blaine was smiling, too. A real, true, wonderful smile. 

Kurt looked so gorgeous while he sang and skated. His cheeks and nose had turned a light pink color, and Blaine just wanted to lean in and kiss him. But he couldn’t kiss him. He hurt Kurt, so he doesn’t deserve to kiss Kurt. No matter how beautiful he is. 

——

When they got back to the loft, Burt was sitting with hot chocolates for them. It was also very warm in the loft. Kurt immediately changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. Blaine was more hesitant to do so, but he went with an added sweatshirt. Kurt looked slightly suspicious, but he kept his mouth shut. 

Blaine and Burt watched football while Kurt pretended to watch. Blaine really tried to act normal, but it was hard to do around Kurt. Kurt knows him so well. He kept giving Blaine side glances while he read the latest Vogue magazine. 

After a bit, Burt decided to “hit the hay” as he called it. Blaine started yawning about ten minutes after Burt left. 

“I think you should go to sleep,” Kurt suggested. Blaine just nodded. Kurt got up to go to his room, and looked back at Blaine. “Are you coming?” 

“What?” 

“Are you coming to bed? The sofa will hurt your back, and I know you need to be fit for regionals,” Kurt stated simply. Like sleeping with your ex-boyfriend was normal. Sleeping with someone who cheated on you, and broke your heart, and– “Blaine, it’s just sleeping. Nothing more. You don’t need to get so worked up about it.”

“Yeah, I uh, I’ll come,” Blaine stuttered. He finally got up and followed Kurt into his room. 

Kurt sat down on the bed. He stared at Blaine and asked, “Blaine, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting so.. dead. Like you’re on pilot mode.”

“Fuck,” Blaine thought. “Fuck fuck fuck.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong.” Kurt took Blaine’s hand in his own. 

Blaine felt the tears start. He felt the shame. He felt the disgust he had with himself. 

“I’m so sorry, Kurt,” he managed to whisper out. The tears fell, and so did Blaine’s walls. 

“Shh, honey, it’s alright. It’s gonna be okay,” Kurt soothed. He held Blaine while he cried. It seemed like Blaine cried forever. After the tears turned to sniffs and Blaine’s eyes were red and puffy, Kurt asked again, “What’s going on, sweetheart?”

“I’m just.. really sad, Kurt. And I don’t know what to do any- anymore. I’m just so stupid, and I wish I never cheated on you, and I wish everything was different, and I wish you still loved me. I know Im annoying and dependent on you, but i just miss you so much, and everything is so hard to do.”

“I never stopped loving you,” Kurt whispered. 

Blaine’s head shot up. “What? I cheated on you. I thought you hated me.”

Kurt ran his hand though Blaine’s curls. “I was mad at you, but i never hated you. I couldn’t hate you.”

“Oh.”

“Blaine?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think you’re depressed?”

There wasn’t an answer from Blaine, but Kurt felt him suddenly tense.

“Blaine?”

“Yes?”

“I know your personality is quite.. self destructive, but you would tell me if you were hurting yourself, right?”

Another silence from Blaine. Kurt knew this was coming. He’s not sure how he knew, but he did. 

“Blaine..?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Kurt,” Blaine cried. He started sobbing again. Kurt just held onto him, and let a few of his own tears run free. 

“Can you show me please, sweetheart?” Kurt asked. “I know it’s a lot, and you don’t have to. But I’d like to see. I also want to make sure you’re taking care of it properly.”

Blaine nodded once and slowly sat up. He took off the old Dalton hoodie he was wearing and held his forearm to his chest. Kurt just watched silently and let Blaine take his time. Eventually, Blaine held his arm out for Kurt. Kurt turned his bedside lamp on, and gasped. 

The sight was just.. horrible. There’s no other way to put it. Blaine’s arm was littered with cuts. Some old, some new, some scarred over. 

“I’m gonna help you get through this, Blaine.” Kurt had a determined tone to his voice. Blaine believed him.

Kurt turned off his lamp, and laid back with open arms. Open arms for Blaine. Only for Blaine and no one else. Blaine cuddled into Kurt’s chest. 

“I love you,” Kurt said while he rubbed his hand down Blaine’s back. 

“I love you, too.”


	4. I Have Only Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if you guys noticed, but every chapter is a lyric from a fleetwood mac song. i just love fleetwood mac lol.

Kurt forgot how cuddly Blaine could get during the night. But when Kurt woke up, he didn’t really mind at all. He missed this. He missed Blaine. 

No matter how much Blaine hurt him, he was still going to love him. He couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. And after seeing what Blaine turned into after they broke up, it seemed like Blaine felt the same way. 

Kurt’s heart aches for the boy laying peacefully in his arms. He noticed something was wrong with Blaine as soon as he turned around and saw him. His smile wasn’t quite bright enough, it didn’t reach his eyes. 

Kurt still feels like he’s attached to Blaine somehow. Like there’s a string tied to both of their hearts. 

Kurt felt Blaine start to stir. He held Blaine a little tighter until he fully woke up. Blaine sat up a bit, away from Kurt. “Sorry..” he mumbled under his breath. 

“No, there’s nothing to be sorry for. Don’t apologize please,” Kurt insured. Blaine looked like he didn’t believe Kurt, and shrugged. 

“I kind of... unloaded onto you last night. It won’t happen again, I promise. I don’t know why I did that I just..” he trailed off. He wasn’t too sure where he was going with that sentence. He just felt bad for making Kurt listen to his stupid problems. He continued, “I don’t want to be a burden to you. My problems aren’t important, anyways. I’m just being a little bitch about them.”

“Blaine, please stop. I wish I knew about all this sooner. I just want to help you. Please let me help you?”

“Okay,” Blaine sighed. 

“Okay, sweetheart, I’m gonna go make some breakfast. my dad’s flight is in a few hours.”

“Why is he leaving so soon? he just got here?” Blaine asked and sat up.

Kurt got up from the bed and looked over at Blaine, curled up in the blankets, “He has to go take care of the garage. What do you want for breakfast?” 

Blaine hesitated a few seconds. He didn’t really feel like eating. But Kurt wouldn’t let that slide. “Whatever you make is fine. You know I go home in like a week right? I could book my flight earlier if you want, I don’t have to stay here.”

“No, you can stay. Please.”

“Okay.” Blaine’s voice was small. He curled in on himself and looked to the floor. Kurt ran a hand through Blaine’s hair and went into the kitchen. 

——

After breakfast was eaten, and Kurt and Burt were ready, Blaine was back in Kurt’s bed. He was thankful for last night. He’s thankful for today, too. Kurt wasn’t revolted by the thought of him. 

Blaine also got the first good nights sleep he’s gotten in a while. He felt so comfortable and safe. Like nothing could hurt him as long as he was laying with Kurt. In Kurt’s bed. In Kurt’s arms. 

Kurt walked into his room to see Blaine wrapped up in the blankets again. “Hey, I’m gonna go to drop my dad off at the airport. Are you gonna be okay while I’m gone?”

Blaine was kind of confused by that. “I’m not going to slash my wrists and take a bottle of pills while you’re gone, Kurt.”

Silence. 

“Shit, sorry,” Blaine apologized, “I didn’t mean- I’ll be okay I swear. You don’t need to worry.”

Kurt looked suspicious. “Call me if you need anything.” Blaine just nodded. 

——

Blaine learned that the loft was very quiet with no one there. It was peaceful. And Blaine just kept thinking “I love Kurt. I love him. I love him. I love him.”

But Blaine knew he wasn’t suddenly “fixed.” He still wanted to kill himself. He still wanted to tear himself apart, to destroy himself. 

Whatever. Kurt would be back soon, anyways. He just needed to get a grip. So, he took a shower. They helped sometimes, and Blaine could use all the help he could get right now. 

He took a shower and brushed his teeth. Kurt came back right after he put on some pants. “Perfect timing,” Blaine said sarcastically. Kurt came into the room to help Blaine with his hair. They both loved when Kurt messed with Blaine’s hair. It was soothing for them both. 

“What do you want to do today?” Kurt asked while he put a generous amount of gel in his hands. “I wish you wouldn’t use so much of this crap.” He said as an afterthought. 

“I don’t care,” Blaine replied, empty. He didn’t really want to do anything that day. Taking a shower and getting ready was enough. 

“How about we go have lunch, and then, we come back here and watch a few movies?” Kurt suggested. 

“Sounds good.” Another lifeless reply. 

Kurt knew something was bothering him, but he also knew Blaine wouldn’t want to talk about it right know. Blaine would come to Kurt if he wanted to talk. 

Kurt also felt slightly guilty because he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Blaine. Everything about Blaine. His collarbone seemed more prominent, and his jaw was more chiseled. He looked like he hadn’t been taking proper care of himself lately. 

“Alright, you’re all done. You ready for lunch?” Kurt washed off his hands while Blaine buttoned up his shirt. 

“Yeah, I just-“ Blaine stopped himself and looked at the bow tie in his hands. Kurt would always tie his bow ties when he picked Blaine up for school in the mornings. 

Kurt looked to see why Blaine stopped talking. “Oh, here, let me.” Kurt took the bow tie from his hands, and flipped Blain’s collar up. He tied it just like he had a thousand times before. 

Blaine let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and finally relaxed.


	5. I Just Want You To Feel Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my instagram @ anderhvmmel

They took the subway to this cute little restaurant that Kurt adored. It was quite pleasant, and Blaine could just act like everything was normal. Except it wasn’t normal. Blaine still lives in Ohio, and he’ll have to go back soon. Kurt will stay here in New York, and everything will go back to how it was. 

Blaine didn’t really like that idea, but he had to come to terms with it. Maybe Kurt would want to Skype again? Like old times. 

Kurt led him over to a table in the back of the restaurant. “I want to talk about something,” he said simply. Blaine’s heart dropped low. He hated those words so much, he knew they meant something bad was going to happen. “I just need to know a few things right now, Blaine, it’s okay.”

Blaine looked down into his hands and whispered an, “Okay.”

“Does anyone know you’re depressed? Does the glee club notice?”

“No. Sam notices a little bit I brush it off.” Blaine started tapping his foot anxiously. 

“Not even Mr. Schu or your parents?”

“No.” 

“What about the- the cutting? How long has that been going on?” Kurt prayed that it wasn’t long. But by the looks of all the scars Blaine had, it seemed to be a while. Blaine just shrugged, and Kurt let out a sigh. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Blaine apologized, “I know you’re just trying to help.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart, I know this is hard for you to talk about, but I want you to answer these questions honestly.” Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand, and left it there for Blaine to hold on to. “Now continue, please. How long have you been cutting?” 

Blaine took a deep breath and willed the tears he could feel brimming his eyes to go away. “Since, uh, around middle school. before I met you. I was getting bullied a lot, you know that. And then after I got beat up, I tried to stop. Because I was at Dalton, and everything was fine. I just don’t like making a big deal out of it. It’s really nothing, I promise, Kurt.” Blaine was really trying to convince Kurt – and himself – that he had everything under control. Kurt could see though his lies, even if Blaine fooled himself. 

“Blaine, this is important. I’m not going to let you brush this off. Why did you start doing it again? Because of the break up?”

“Kind of. Fuck, Kurt I don’t want you to blame yourself for anything,” Blaine said desperately. He felt his throat tightening and his chest tighten. His vision started so blur, and he looked down at the table. 

“It’s okay. I need to know how to help. This isn’t anyone’s fault, so no one is being blamed for it, okay?” Kurt tried to comfort Blaine, but he felt like he could have prevented this happening, like he could have helped Blaine before he got bad. But he didn’t. He was too consumed in New York and Vogue to notice something was wrong with Blaine. 

Blaine looked up at Kurt and whispered out a hoarse, “Okay.” Kurt our his hands on Blaine’s face and ran his thumbs under his eyes, wiping away his tears. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Kurt. I love you so much, I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

“Please stop apologizing, you’ve done nothing wrong. I love you too, and that’s why I want to help you.” Blaine nodded, took Kurt’s hands again, and looked back down. He hated to see the disappointment in Kurt’s eyes. He hated disappointing anyone. Especially Kurt. 

The waitress came over and asked what they’d like to drink. Blaine looked up at Kurt, and Kurt turned to the waitress and told her they would both have waters. Blaine stayed silent when she came to take their orders, too. He didn’t trust his voice anymore. He felt as if he’d break down as soon as he tried to talk.

——

Finally, the meal was over, and they went back to the loft. Blaine didn’t let go of Kurt’s hand the entire subway ride home. He didn’t ever want to let go. He just wanted to be held, to be taken care of. 

As soon as Kurt let go of Blaine’s hand to open the door, he started crying, silent tears falling down his cheeks. Kurt turned back with a puzzled look on his face, and ushered Blaine inside. Once he closed the door again, he told Blaine to go pick out a movie and wait on the couch. Blaine just nodded and obeyed. 

When Kurt sat on the couch, Blaine had a blank expression on his face. Tears were still rolling, and Kurt asked, “Sweetheart, why are you crying again?” 

Blaine continued to stare into space as he answered. “I’m sor-ry for being such a baby, I just, I need–“ he stopped for a second and closed his eyes. “Can you just– can you hold me please?”

Kurt smiled and ordered Blaine to stand up. He did, of course, and Kurt lay down on the couch with open arms. Blaine happily curled up on the couch with Kurt. 

Kurt’s hand found its way to Blaine’s hair, and Blaine’s crying turned to sniffles. He finally started to peacefully drift off.


End file.
